9.08, or, And this one had so much promise, too

( I did not like it, Sam I Am--or should I be calling you Zeke now? )

Sam's hair wasn't even good! But that final scene did get me right in the Sam!girlie feels, so it wasn't a complete loss.

What I'm thankful for, y'all

At the risk of waxing maudlin here (which I very, very seldom do), I feel I have to express something about SPN and fandom that I think many of us feel but rarely put into words.

I came to fandom, of course, because I loved SPN, and because after watching 7 full seasons at once, I couldn't get enough of it. I started off simply reading fanfic, then writing it, and I don't recall originally having any particular ambitions with my lj beyond having a place to post fic. Well, posting fic led to interacting with other fans, learning more about fandom, and getting drawn ever deeper into it.

Tbqh, I wasn't sure at first that it was something I wanted to be part of. I found it quirky, sometimes baffling, occasionally scary. There are certain things that are taken as a given in this fandom (rampant incest, frequent hatred of female characters, a particular viewpoint on various writers/characters/actors/episodes that are taken as "the norm" that often had nothing to do with my initial reaction to it in the series) that one learns as one goes along but that seemed strange to me at the beginning. (Part of it is that I've never been part of a fandom at all before; the closest I ever came was being part of a "bandom," which is a different animal entirely.) I really didn't expect to become deeply involved in it, because I'm not much of a "joiner," I don't fit in most places, and I didn't know how I could ever come around to seeing from that perspective fandom sees as "normal." Even my fics seemed well off the beaten path, and I wasn't sure anyone would like them.

Yet once I got used to its quirks, I felt more at home here than most places, in that the people I've met here are creative, intelligent, talented, incisive, thoughtful, sensitive, and honest, all qualities I seek in friends and other associates. I read the comments on SPN articles in professional online publications (like TV Guide), and almost without fail, the discussion instantly devolves into what we not-so-affectionately call "fandom wank"--mean, pointless arguments about things that are really just speculation, personal opinion, or wishful thinking; so I know that stuff and those fans are out there, but in my little corner of lj, it was never like that. People 'round these parts mostly endeavor to try to understand opposing viewpoints, and when they can't, they just agree to disagree. Better still, most of my lj friends seem happy for the diversity of opinion. I literally can't express how happy it makes me that my friends in this fandom are so respectful of differing opinions, not to mention that people can handle it when someone really didn't like something about the show--I've known so many people who get personally offended if you don't think a show can do no wrong.

Also, I was plainly in the right place, inasmuch as these people share all my SPN-related obsessions! I get really, REALLY into things, mostly obscure things no one else gets as into. For once, I'm into something LOTS of other people are into, where I can find people to obsess with!

I really didn't think anything could be more satisfying and fun than the show itself, but the joys of fandom have come to dwarf the joys of watching a t.v. show, however great it may be. I love the show, don't get me wrong, yet I've come to see our show as the facilitator for the joys of fandom rather than the other way around.

But as fun and satisfying as just being part of fandom is, that's not its only effect on my life. Getting some response to my fanfic has made me a better writer of original fiction. Learning about your lives and your worldviews has expanded my horizons. I used to be afraid of anyone reading anything I wrote (especially if it expressed a strong opinion), but I've gotten used to it and come to feel somewhat more confident.

Perhaps best of all, I've come to feel like what I say matters.

I had a job once that showed me that if you put something on the internet and just market it a little, someone will read it. I would write these long, detailed advertisements for a retreat or a product according to how I was told to (it was a very home-grown, no-frills business), kind of secretly rolling my eyes at the idea that anyone would ever read this much text or care what some woman in her house is blabbing about about something she's trying to sell, only to get dozens and sometimes hundreds of responses, people checking her website that I managed all the time for new items, etc. So I knew this in theory, but I'd never seen it work for me.

Due to a great variety of factors, I grew up thoroughly convinced no one heard or was interested in what I was trying to say. Thus, the comments and conversations I've had here in response to things I mustered the courage to express have had a profound impact on me.

... Which leads me to talk about what inspired this post in the first place, kalliel's academic analysis of my fic Angels at the Door. I've received some really great comments on my fics--comments that were long and deep and detailed enough that I felt like at least some of what I was trying to get across had reached its target. It was only with kalliel's analysis, which was so on-target and broad and deep and thorough, that I finally felt like what I've been trying to accomplish all this time as a writer is being accomplished, in that everything I was trying to say was picked up, examined, considered, responded to, and appreciated. Which is just, you know, huge for me. HUGE. If everything I ever wrote got a response like that, I literally think I would be the happiest creature on the planet. And it's all thanks to fandom.

So thank you, all you fans who are becoming friends. Thank you, kalliel, for being you. And thank you, SPN, for providing such hotness on a frequent schedule being the wellspring of so much you probably never intended to come of a little show about two brothers saving people and hunting things.