Fic: In the Garden of Eden

[brightly_lit]

Title: In the Garden of Eden
Author: brightly_lit
Rating: PG
Genre: gen, wee!chesters, angst, emotional hurt no comfort, family feels, metafic
Characters: John, Sam, Dean, Missouri
Word Count: 1,300
Summary: "John told Dean it was about revenge, but it wasn’t really. You didn’t pull your family up by the roots and force your kids to live on scraps, in and out of a new school every year or even every month, expose them to hunters and weaponry and danger, for revenge. You did it because it was the only way to save your son."

Now with amazingly gorgeous art from the supremely talented a_starfish!







Sam, as a grown man, turned around with a sinister smile ... only it wasn’t Sam, it couldn’t be; it was something else. Even from where he stood, having known his little boy only six years, John could see there wasn’t anything of Sam behind those cold, calculating eyes, his expression, once soft and vulnerable, now indifferent, with a wicked smirk.

Then his little Sam was there with John, looking up at him with huge eyes, saying, “Who is that man, Daddy?,” but he knew as the wicked man knelt down and beckoned to him. “I’m your real father,” he told John’s son. “Come with me, and we’ll rule the galaxy, together ....”

John woke with a start. That took a weird turn. It was Dean’s fault. That kid and his Star Wars action figures. He only had the Wookie and Boba Fett, but he still managed to tell every story in the trilogy, and a bunch of iffy side stories too, since he and Sam took on the roles of Han and Luke. To John’s chagrin, he was usually attributed the passive role of Darth Vader (while Bobby of all people got to be Obi-Wan), and Dean never seemed to get why this irritated John. Nor did Dean understand why Sam wanted to be Han instead of Luke. Dean would tell Sam Luke was the hero, that he was giving him the best role because he was an awesome brother like that, when of course it was just that Dean thought Han was cooler. Sam would rather be Luke, anyway. He was, and wanted to be, the hero: righteous, studious, good, always doing the right thing, always. It just came down to hair color. Sam was precise like that. Han had dark hair; therefore, he should be Han, even if he didn’t want to be. Sam was ready to take the role fate had assigned to him.

John rolled over, trying to shake off the miasma of horror the dream had cast over him, but he couldn’t, because it was exactly the way Missouri had described Sam’s future. “I see him in the Garden of Eden,” she had said, getting that far-away lilt to her voice that came when she was seeing another world, “dressed all in white, because he really believes he’s the good guy, but the world ... the world is laid to waste, and it’s his doing, John.” He knew Missouri well. She’d told him many things about his family, about his wife, about the past--horrifying, terrible things, but he’d never seen anything like this in her eyes before: desolation and despair. The end of everything. She’d seen it herself, and he could see it too, then, just looking at her face.

John hadn’t been able to believe it. “No,” he said firmly. “No, Sam wouldn’t. Not my Sam.”

“It’s not your Sam,” she said, her eyes shifting oh-so-slightly to the right, looking into another world, easy as that. “It’s him, but it’s not.”

“So what do I do?” he shouted. “What am I supposed to do with this?! He’s my SON! I mean, what am I supposed to do; kill my own--”

She didn’t say anything. She didn’t have to. John left in a rage that day. He shouldn’t have. He shouldn’t kill the messenger. He shouldn’t burn the bridge to that ally, who’d brought him every last shred of the most precious information he’d been able to collect about the most important hunt he’d ever gone on, the only hunt he’d ever really been on, for the creature that started all this that night in Sammy’s bedroom. It wasn’t Missouri’s fault. But you don’t tell a father to kill his own son. You just don’t, no matter what kind of monster he’s destined to become.

That was why John took the boys and went on the road. Dean had gotten curious about John’s obsession. John told him it was about revenge, but it wasn’t really. You didn’t pull your family up by the roots and force your kids to live on scraps, in and out of a new school every year, sometimes every month, expose them to hunters and weaponry and danger, for revenge. You didn’t train them to be little soldiers and give them orders to do things little boys should never have to do, for revenge. You didn’t refuse them things they loved and train them to kill and deprive them of a childhood, for revenge. You did it because it was the only option left to you to save what you cared about more than anything. You did it because it was the only way to save your son.

John was wrapped up so deeply in all these dark thoughts that the voice in the darkness sounded like the devil himself; he grabbed the gun from under his pillow, cocked and aimed all in one motion that took less than a second, to find himself staring down the barrel at Sam, who flinched back in terror. John relaxed with a sigh, uncocking the gun and putting it back where it came from. “Jesus, Sam,” he grunted. “You know better than to sneak up on me in the dark. What do you want?”

Sam was afraid to tell him now. Almost getting your head blown off just for coming to your dad’s bedside could do that to a six-year-old. The worst of it all was that Sam wasn’t even that surprised. John closed his eyes against the pain of knowing what he was doing to his children, the toll their messed-up lives were taking on their hearts and minds, their souls. How much did you give up in the present--how much did you make your kids give up in the present--so that they could have a future? When did you decide the cost was too high and let it go?

John could take them home and let them grow up like normal boys until the day everything changed, let them all be happy now and let the end come as it would, since the battle John was fighting with all his might was probably all for naught. “No matter what you do, he’ll always end up here,” Missouri said. But how could you just let your son go? John had looked at this from every angle. He’d grappled with it every day since Missouri told him, and he’d never been able to find a way to do anything different. It was who he was. Whatever the cost, he was willing to pay it. Sam was worth it. Saving Sam was worth anything he had to pay. Anything any of them had to pay.

The weight of the world was on him, and it made him sound impatient. “What is it, Sam?”

“Can I sleep with you?” came Sam’s voice, soft as a whisper. “I had a nightmare.”

John held open the covers for him and Sam climbed in, cuddling hesitantly against John’s side. “You’re getting a little old for this,” John noted. Sam lay perfectly still, afraid John would kick him out again if he said the wrong thing. John took a deep breath, wrapping an arm around Sam, smelling his hair, just a regular little kid in his arms in too-short Transformers pyjamas. Fighting to save the world, you didn’t get much opportunity to just be with the son who was destined to destroy it. John held him tighter. “Tell me about your dream,” he said. “Then you won’t have it again.”

Sam took a deep, quavering breath. Kids were funny. It was so hard for them to shake off dreams, scary movies, scary stories, afraid that fantasy could become reality between one moment and the next. Sam’s voice was high and thin as he began to answer: “I was in a garden, dressed all in white ....”

~ The End ~



Author's Notes:

-The title seemed appropriate(ly ironic), especially given that John was surely an Iron Butterfly fan.

-I mentioned in the notes on my last wee!chester fic that there was something I was trying to get to in that fic that I didn't end up getting to, which I got to in this fic: the idea I've come to after writing a series of wee!chester fics (you can find them all on my sticky post if you're interested: Stuck, Family Night, Four Words, Ricochet, The First Time Sam Ran Away, Respect, Discipline, and Rumpelstiltskin--jeez, that's a lot of young Winchester fics! I hadn't even realized how many), that maybe it wasn't that John was obsessed with revenge; maybe, rather, knowing what he knew about the YED and loving his sons, he concluded the only option was to hunt it down before it got Sam. (He was, after all, closing in on it just as Sam started coming into his powers, and he was assuming he wouldn't survive the confrontation.) It's certainly a nicer thought than that he was such a lousy father because he was hell-bent on revenge, and I feel everything we know about his character fits. (Maybe I'll finally be able to get to that meta I've been meaning to write on the subject!)

-I LOVE MISSOURI, and it was a delight to get to write her, even if only in John's memories. Man, I wish she could have been on the show more.

- A special thank you to the lovely, sweet, talented, and far too humble a_starfish for the gorgeous art for this fic, right in time for my birthday. You rock!!

Comments

[toratio.livejournal.com]

Scary. Particularly scary in its implications - I mean, we know that John knew about the Yellow-Eyed Demon and what he did to Sam a long time before Sam and Dean found out. His killing the Demon then may have had less to do with Mary and more to do with Sam.

Which means, really, everything he did was for Sam. It makes sense, given the burden he placed upon Dean as Sam's protecter, from the time he was little.

This is a brilliant little fic - and like all brilliant fics, it made me think about the canon in a different light.

Because what we don't know is exactly how much John really knew.

[brightly-lit.livejournal.com]

It only makes sense that he did what he did for Sam, for his sons. Mary was gone, and he must have known that revenge would accomplish nothing. And YES, it makes his making Dean be Sam's protector fall into place.

Because what we don't know is exactly how much John really knew.

This is a great point, and probably at the very heart of all the John-as-father battles. We know he's "known for a while," that he "went to Missouri and learned the truth" ... and that's just about it. All very unspecific. I figure if he knew enough to know Dean might have to kill him, though, he probably knew quite a bit.

This is a brilliant little fic - and like all brilliant fics, it made me think about the canon in a different light.

Ooh--thank you so much!!

Also, though I had more lyrical images in mind when I named this fic what I did, when I mentioned Iron Butterfly, I could not help but think of Bart Simpson slipping the sheet music for it to the organist at church, and the whole congregation singing a churchified version of it--priceless. ;-D

[kalliel]

Okay, there's a fic this really remind me me of (well, in a weird Kalliel way. They're not really similar to each other at all, except YES THEY SPEAK TO EACH OTHER OKAY) but I'm not sure if I'll be able to find it, since the comm it was written for no longer exists. I will try, though!

I love the reference to Sam's Samifer suit, especially given the direction of our present canon and the fact that it is finally 2014. And then Sam's shared reference to the very same at the end---! :D I make no secret of my opinion of Dean's Secret About Sam in the first half of S2, lol, but even aside from that it ultimately just didn't have the right resonances to work. (John's 'if you can't save your brother you're going to have to kill him' warning always seemed a bit off, because this has never really been a real choice for Dean, not even in S4/5. And in the context of S2, it was never 'you might have to kill Sam' but 'you need to decide whether to bring him back.' That kind of bait-and-switch could be cool if acknowledged as such, but no, that's just called changing your mind in the middle of writing a season. XDD OKAY ANYWAY I'M GETTING WAY OFF TOPIC HERE. TOUCHY SUBJECT, APPARENTLY. What I meant to be getting at was, this fic gives it those appropriate resonances where all of that works out, and builds and plays back on itself in really neat ways.

[caranfindel.livejournal.com]

And in the context of S2, it was never 'you might have to kill Sam' but 'you need to decide whether to bring him back.' That kind of bait-and-switch could be cool if acknowledged as such, but no, that's just called changing your mind in the middle of writing a season.

I don't understand what you mean here.

[kalliel]

I was like 3AM, gimme a break bb! XDD <333

What I meant is, in S2 the plotline for the first half was basically, oh man, Dean, your brother might go dark side, and if you don't save him you might have to kill him. But it's one of those things where like, lol, when was there really ever likelihood of that? Arguably Dean took John's word seriously and anguished over this and whatever, sure. But that never seemed like a particularly strong tension within the season (2x09, 2x14). Sam never went all THAT dark side, and Dean never got all THAT close to having to kill him, per John's words. So the tension of that was largely separate from what S2 actually ended up doing. I was saying that if S2 had acknowledged that, and cast 2x21 as this moment where it specifically retailored that warning, expanded it to 'well, someone might have to do bad dark things in order to Save Same, whom you don't necessarily have to kill BUT you do have to decide whether you want to upset the balance of nature like that,' (which actually does have a lot of S2 resonance), that would have tied up better, and would have made these things thematically coherent. Since they didn't, really, but they spent all those weeks making such a big deal out of Dean's Secret From Sam in S2, it reads to me like they hadn't really pinned down these things when or as they were writing them, and just kind of changed their minds and made it up as they went along. Which, it's TV, that is kind of what you do! And what SPN does to some degree every year. I don't really hold that against anything, because it's kind of part of the medium, really. But then no one ever seems to want to recognize that about in S2, so in the meantime I've gotten obsessed about it and have Opinions. XD

Anyway, in the context of B_L's fic I was saying that her emphasis on the part by bringing out these visions of Samifer, and by guiding John's obsession by making it in this fic very pointedly about trying to keep his son from that, and his trying to skirt the very full-frontal possibility of this 2014!verse alternate timeline, the fic gets back to that sentiment from the first half of S2 and reorients it in a way that I find useful in elaborating and rediscovering that particular thread of canon.

[caranfindel.livejournal.com]

I was saying that if S2 had acknowledged that, and cast 2x21 as this moment where it specifically retailored that warning, expanded it to 'well, someone might have to do bad dark things in order to Save Same, whom you don't necessarily have to kill BUT you do have to decide whether you want to upset the balance of nature like that,' (which actually does have a lot of S2 resonance), that would have tied up better, and would have made these things thematically coherent.

Oh, okay. I thought you were saying they DID do that, and if they did, I certainly missed it, so I was confused. ;-)

Honestly, I don't agree with you about it being obvious that Dean wasn't going to kill Sam. I mean, yes, it was obvious to us at the time, because one of the two lead characters wasn't going to die (HA HA remember those days?), but it wasn't obvious to Dean. Well, it was obvious to Dean that he wouldn't kill Sam. But it wasn't obvious to Dean that it would never be an issue, that Sam would never go darkside. And if I remember my S2 right, Dean didn't come right out and say "you're not in danger of breaking bad." He just insisted that he would fix/save Sam. So for me, the tension was still there, and the warning didn't need to be retailored.

Anyway, in the context of B_L's fic I was saying that her emphasis on the part by bringing out these visions of Samifer, and by guiding John's obsession by making it in this fic very pointedly about trying to keep his son from that, and his trying to skirt the very full-frontal possibility of this 2014!verse alternate timeline, the fic gets back to that sentiment from the first half of S2 and reorients it in a way that I find useful in elaborating and rediscovering that particular thread of canon.

Yes, it is a good thing. I love the idea that John really knew what was in Sam's future, other than "he's going to be bad," and that he was specifically trying to prevent that.

[brightly-lit.livejournal.com]

I'm glad caranfindel asked, because I too was confused but intrigued. I guess I'd say I agree with you both. (Although I'm currently rewatching S2, about halfway through, and we'll see if I still have these opinions as it wears on!)

I agree with you that S2 lacked cohesion and failed to make the question of whether Dean might have to kill Sam resonate, but I agree with caranfindel that I didn't think it was obvious that Dean wouldn't kill Sam, inasmuch as I felt like Dean was John's good little soldier all their lives (particularly when Sam left them to go do his own thing at Stanford), while Sam was John's much-less-obedient and more reluctant little soldier, so Dean was torn but more likely to obey the father whose approval he'd always needed so desperately than stick by the brother he felt had abandoned them and was a crappy son, especially since they'd been brought up to save the world and other people at any cost (including their own lives).

I felt like that tension was there all along, until in ONE OF MY VERY FAVORITE EPISODES EVER, 2.14, as Dean is pushed farther and farther, seeing that 'Sam' is killing innocent people and finally all but begs Dean to kill him, Dean finally sees that no matter how bad Sam gets, he can't do it, saying, "I'd rather die." I always got the strong impression that he would do his best to do as John requested, but when push came to shove (even if it left him disgusted with himself), he realized there was nothing his brother could ever become or do that would make him kill him.

Ooh, which, come to think of it, actually was a necessary prerequisite for telling the events of every ensuing season, as Sam DID go ever more darkside in S4, then said yes to Lucy, then lost his soul. The audience might have wondered, you know, "Sam is evil! Why isn't Dean doing what he must, however much he doesn't want to?" but you know right then in 2.14 why and that he never, ever will.

Actually, I'm a fan of Dean's Secret from Sam, too! Not because I felt like it served any real plot purpose, though; just because that's a great mystery to draw out to tease the audience. If I were writing for the show, I'd have done the very same thing. ;-)

That being said, though, I couldn't agree with you more that the writers

changed their minds and made it up as they went along. Which, it's TV, that is kind of what you do! And what SPN does to some degree every year. I don't really hold that against anything, because it's kind of part of the medium

Sometimes I look at the quality of fic that comes out of this fandom and I'm like, GAH, if only the show ever made so much sense and was so cohesive and tied together all the themes so beautifully! But then, the writers of the fic have only themselves to answer to. In t.v., there are so many fingers in the pie between pre- and post-production. Maybe the scripts WERE perfect and cohesive and beautiful at the beginning, but this director had a different vision, and that actor interpreted that line differently, or it works great on the page but not in a visual medium so they had to change something. The important thing is that those themes ARE there in the show for the fans to draw out and examine, even if sometimes they get a bit muddled in the process of making a show for the masses.

But, thank you both for this!:

Anyway, in the context of B_L's fic I was saying that her emphasis on the part by bringing out these visions of Samifer, and by guiding John's obsession by making it in this fic very pointedly about trying to keep his son from that, and his trying to skirt the very full-frontal possibility of this 2014!verse alternate timeline, the fic gets back to that sentiment from the first half of S2 and reorients it in a way that I find useful in elaborating and rediscovering that particular thread of canon.

Yes, it is a good thing. I love the idea that John really knew what was in Sam's future, other than "he's going to be bad," and that he was specifically trying to prevent that.

*glows*

And, yay for my fic being the inspiration for discussions like these!

<3 to you both. <3

[caranfindel.livejournal.com]

Nicely creepy!!!

[brightly-lit.livejournal.com]

Thanks!

[monicawoe.livejournal.com]

Awesome!
John POV is wonderful- we get it so rarely. And Missouri <3. She's so cool. I really wish we could get her back on the show, even if only for an ep or two.
Poor Sam, dreaming this early about his destiny. How do you even begin to comfort your child after a dream like that?

[brightly-lit.livejournal.com]

Yes, poor Sam. :-( Hard to comfort him, and meanwhile, John would have been freaking the hell out!

Glad you liked, m'dear! :-)

[deceptivemirror.livejournal.com]

This story makes a frightening amount of sense, and would have made me a bit more sympathetic to John if they had shown something like this on the show. I get the feeling that, after they knew that JDM wouldn't be back on the show any time soon, they set about burning his character so that no one would want to see him again.

In my case, they might have done too good of a job.

Right in the heartstrings, this story!!

[brightly-lit.livejournal.com]

Ooh, yay. Glad it got you in the heartstrings. <3

I really agree with what you say. JDM played John very sympathetically and with so much love for his boys. The fact that he was willing to die and go to hell for his son says it, too, but even in the first episodes, Sam was bitching about John's alcoholism and their militaristic upbringing, etc. (I also read JDM said he wanted to come back on the show because he was tired of John being portrayed as a deadbeat.) So there's quite a conflict even in the scripts for episodes he was in, but yeah, they've been harder and harder on his character since he's been gone. Maybe the reason you mention is why, and/or maybe it's easier to have made him a bastard than a very complicated person like JDM portrayed him, but man, I love John and I WANT to love John. I'm so glad this characterization of him makes sense for you!

Thanks for your thoughts ....

[brightly-lit.livejournal.com]

And happy birthday to you!!

[septembers-coda.livejournal.com]

This hurts SO GOOD. DAMN you're good at hurting us with poor, dear, beleaguered John. And we LIKE it. Thank you, ma'am, may I have another? ;-)

However much Sam and Dean's lives suck, John's sucked worse. He lost his wife, had every reason to believe that his son was literally going to turn into the devil, and then didn't just DIE, but went to Hell. Forever. Had to leave his sons that he still wanted and needed to protect behind, too, and his life's work undone. Oh, John. :-( :-(

And it socked me right in the gut when John COCKED HIS GUN at Sam!!! And THEN-- Sam was scared, but not surprised! He still wanted to get in bed with the father who just almost shot him! Because of course, he would. It's still his father. It's the comfort he knows. And I was absurdly glad to see him receive this comfort, even if, when he's done telling about his dream, that comfort will surely dissolve... though I'm guessing John will do his best to cover his horror...

Beautiful, beautiful angst, thank you! <3

[brightly-lit.livejournal.com]

The way I (realized while writing my author's notes I) have been writing John POV fics, it's quite LIKELY you'll have another, my dear. Yes, poor John!! He really had it rough, and everyone thinks he's a jerk on top of it all. :-(

Because of course, he would. It's still his father. It's the comfort he knows.

YES. I imagined that John's the one who'll really get freaked out after Sam tells his dream, while Sam can go right to sleep, believing it was just a dream.

Thanks for another beautiful response!

[indiachick.livejournal.com]

Missed this before! This is nicely dark and I don't know, foreshadowing always has the power of creeping me out, especially with the last line! I love your thoughtful John voice, and the boys RPing Star Wars. septembers_ coda is right about John's life being sucky- how do you live with this kind of knowledge about your son? Especially when said son seems the worst candidate for any evil.
Lovely writing, bb, you always have a flow to your fics that I adore.

[brightly-lit.livejournal.com]

Aw, thanks, my dear! As a huge fan of your writing, that means a lot. I couldn't be more pleased that you're participating in tricycleman.

Yeah, his life WAS about as sucky as it gets. Glad you found it nicely dark! Horror can be beautiful sometimes; hopefully I hit that mark with this fic ...

[meadowphoenix]

I love John fics like this, where his desperation and love comes through. I love that line about Sam's dream and Missouri's prediction and how that must have scared the bejeezus out of John. I know the comics and John's journal aren't canon but they line up similarly to your fic (although I completely disagree that John being a lousy father for revenge is any more palatable than John being a lousy father in a parody of protection).

[verucasalt123.livejournal.com]

I love this; the idea that saving Sam and not getting revenge being the driving force for John makes total sense.

[brightly-lit.livejournal.com]

I'm glad you think so! I love John, and the more I thought about him, the things he knew and the things he did, the more sense it made.

[morganslady.livejournal.com]

I love John,I've always felt he was a tortured soul. He knew about Sam but what could he really do. You story told a lot..

[brightly-lit.livejournal.com]

What could he really do--exactly. What a life the poor guy had. Thanks for your comment.

[sylviamcivers.livejournal.com]

Scary shared dream!
Great story, keep writing.

[brightly-lit.livejournal.com]

Glad you enjoyed it!

[reggie11.livejournal.com]

Wonderful story! I don't make any secret of the fact that I dislike John as a father. Had the writers hinted more toward this I may have had a slightly different opinion of him, because what you've written really makes sense. I love JDM and I think they could have done more with him on the show. I like fics where we get to see different sides of him. I also wish we could have had a lot more of Missouri so I'm so happy you have such a great portrayal of her here.

This was beautifully creepy and incredibly sad. Your birthday gifted artwork is extraordinary! Just gorgeous.

[brightly-lit.livejournal.com]

REEEEAAALLY late reply, but, thank you very much! I think it makes more sense, too, and I also really wish they'd hinted at this.

MISSOURI. Why couldn't she have been on the show FOREVER??

And YES, isn't the artwork something else?? Glad you enjoyed all around.

[freya922.livejournal.com]

Incredible, chilling, heartwrenching fic! This so makes sense and fits my view of John W.

[brightly-lit.livejournal.com]

Aw, thank you, my dear! I'm glad it fits your view of him; it adjusted my headcanon to the degree this is the motivation I associate with him when I think about the choices he made as a dad. Glad you liked. :-)

[kazluvsbooks.livejournal.com]

This was amazing and creepy and eeek! I LOVED IT!!!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY WOOH!!!! (i hope it is still your b'day)

Also i was so impressed with you fic and the art that i have recc'd you here
http://winchesterangstclub.tumblr.com/post/116612297616/title-in-the-garden-of-eden-author-brightly-lit
with links to both the fic and art!

KEEP WRITING SPN we need you :D

[brightly-lit.livejournal.com]

Aww, your b-day comments on this fic, and your rec, really touched me--just what I needed, since I've been feeling low lately about my writing. And a virtual gift for my lj, too! ♥ ♥ THANK YOU.

[brightly-lit.livejournal.com]

(And what a cool tumblr you've got, too.)